Tired

Very tired. Wants to resst, yess we does, Precious, but Grima won't let us. Horrid Grima. Says we musst keep campaigning. Shaking horrid human handses and kissing babyses. Nasty babyses. One of them tried to bite us, yes it did.

Grima says today is the lasst day. Tomorrow iss election, and we will be president. Voterses will vote for us and then we can rest. Sméagol says it isn't true, presidentses must work even harder, terribly hard, no time for eating delicious fisshes. Grima says Sméagol is wrong. He says President Bush iss always on vacations, on his ranchses. When we are president, we will be like Mr Bush. We will have a ranch, and they will bring us fish every day, three times a day, fresh from the sea.

Grima has lots of planses for when we are president, but we have planses too. First thing we does, we changes the Pledge of Allegiance. One Nation under Gollum, yesss. Then we sends the army and the navy to look for the Precious. Most important. And we eats fishes. Mustn't forget about the fisshes.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Vote Gollum, nice voterses.

Thanks to our cherished minions voters

We at the Gollum Campaign would like to extend a heartfelt "Thank you" and a cold, moist handshake to all those who favoured us with their support at the polls today. We treasure each and every one of you, and will ensure that you are not among those unfortunates who may feel our displeasure during the crucial period of adjustment which will begin the Gollum presidency.

Meanwhile, should either of the two mainstream parties prevail, all is by no means lost. We are confident that the Orc species will retain its present control of the House and the Senate, and the Nazgûl lobby will make its voice heard in the highest circles (above the Capitol and around the Washington Monument, mostly.)

Remember, if you or a friend or family member voted for Ralph Nader, send us their name and address so we can personally deliver their VIP invitation to the exclusive post-election Orc barbecue. Campaigning is hungry work, as we at the Gollum Campaign know all too well.

Once again, our gratitude to our supporters; we know your thoughts are with us through the long night to come.

Yours sincerely,

Gríma Galmodsson (hight Wormtongue)
Campaign Manager
Gollum for a Better America My Precioussssssss

No concession

Kerry's sudden concession has taken us all by surprise here at campaign headquarters. One moment he was promising to "count every vote", the next moment he's meekly telephoning Bush to capitulate. The word in the sewer is that Cheney, worried by the possibility that a recount might actually deliver Ohio to the Democrats, threatened to give Fox News the photographs from Kerry's "Skull and Bones" initiation. Not surprisingly, the Big Guy caved.

Luckily, our own candidate is of sterner stuff. When I called him to let him know of Kerry's decision, his first instinct was to continue the fight. Although it took me some time to actually get through to Gollum. I ended up arguing for at least a quarter of an hour with that half-wit Smeagol, who kept insisting that we should call Bush to concede because "... if we doesn't, maybe nice Mr Bush doesn't like us any more. Maybe he thinks we're a bad loser."

I explained to him that with flagrant, serious irregularities in the way that the election was conducted, there could be no question of our losing yet. Our observers have reported many instances of our orc supporters being turned away from polling stations and not even allowed to fill in provisional ballots. We intend to fight this one tooth and claw. I've put together a press release and got the web troll to put it up.

The election may be over, but the battle has just begun.