03/13/2004 - Gollum Campaign Reacts to Allegations
The Gollum for a Better America My Preciousssss campaign would like to issue its response to recent allegations involving its campaign manager, Mr. Grima Wormtongue. Mr Wormtongue stands by his original assertion that he had absolutely no involvement in the deaths of his previous two employers in circumstances that also cast suspicion on major Gollum Campaign donor Sauron of Mordor. Mr. Wormtongue has thoroughly refuted the particular allegations against him. An independent Orcish investigation concluded that Mr Wormtongue's former employer, Theoden, King of Rohan, succumbed to internal injuries caused by an equestrian accident. The alleged presence of a member of the Nazgul in the vicinity was not confirmed by independent witnesses and was, in any case, entirely irrelevant to this tragic incident. Mr Wormtongue would like to send his most sincere condolences to King Theoden's friends and relatives, and hopes that this sad event may be the occasion for putting aside all their past differences.
Mr Wormtongue would also like to state for the record that he was cleared of any wrongdoing in the untimely death of Saruman of Isengard. The same panel convened to investigate the death of the king of Rohan concluded unanimously that Saruman had stumbled onto a knife that Mr Wormtongue happened to be holding point uppermost, and that while the hypothesis of suicide could not be ruled out, all the evidence pointed to another tragic and unavoidable accident. Claims that Mr Wormtongue had murdered his former employer in order to profit from the subsequent sale of Orthanc to Donald Trump have been dismissed as entirely baseless.
The candidate, Mr Gollum, confirms that Mr Wormtongue continues to enjoy his full confidence. He regrets that an apparent Elvish conspiracy has seen fit to attempt to besmirch Mr Wormtongue's reputation in this way, and appeals to all parties in the race not to stoop to rumor-mongering of this sort.
As for the unsubstantiated rumours of the candidate's own involvement in John Kerry's temporary giant-arachnid-related disappearance last month in what Elf lobbyists are referring to as Cirith Ungol or "Spidergate,", this is yet another example of the anti-Gollum smear machine in action. We at the Gollum campaign wish to assure the American public that the candidate has absolutely no skeletons in the closet. While Mr Gollum declines to be drawn on whether he did or did not have any skeletons in his possession, we can state unequivocally that he has no closets.