June 17, 2004 -

Slow Days

This is always the hardest time for any campaign. Things are always easier once battle is joined, and the delightful blood-letting begins.

Some of our campaign staff are developing political ambitions of their own. The Lord of the Nazgul would like to run for the Senate, although I have pointed out that John Ashcroft - the only Republican who we know for certain can always be defeated by a dead opponent - may not be running this time. Meanwhile, the Nazgul appear to have been joined by a tenth undead rider, although I'm not certain that he's going to fit in. He is a tall Man who appears somehow familiar, but the things he says - phrases like "Just say 'no'" and "Tear down this wall!" - don't make much sense to me. He doesn't seem to be terribly bright, and has some difficulty staying in the saddle.

Saruman has retreated to Orthanc and spends most of his time moodily slumped in front of his palantir. I don't know what he's watching, but he changes the channel hurriedly every time I come in.

The orcs have thrown themselves into campaign work with great energy, although unfortunately they still have to be watched fairly closely. I came across a group of them lovingly painting the words "Cheney-Rice '04" on a banner made of flayed human skin the other day. While the thought of a Cheney-Rice dream ticket naturally makes me smile, I feel it's important not to distract the voters at this point.

Only the candidate seems to have no difficulty in remaining focused. Regrettably, he appears to be mostly focused on fish, and when I interrupted him the other day while he was gnawing on a particularly large sea-bass sent by a well-wisher, he hissed at me and bared his teeth. However, he soon returned his attention to more serious matters, and I was again impressed by his quick, sophisticated grasp of campaign issues, to say nothing of his raw malevolence and naked lust for power. He will make a splendid President.

Before I go, I'd like to say a quick thank-you to all those who have donated to the campaign. We are moved by your generosity, and are especially touched that some of you have been kind enough to pledge additional, personal gifts such as freshly-killed hobbits or the heads of certain meddlesome wizards. To those who have not yet given, I urge you to do so as soon and as often as possible. When we come to power, we will remember those who supported us. We will also remember those who didn't. Reflect on that, and give generously.

Yours insidiously, Grima

Posted by grima at June 17, 2004 02:19 AM