October 17, 2006
Can't take my Eye off of youSenator Rick Santorum (R-ManOnDog) has caused considerable confusion among the veterans of the 2004 Gollum for President campaign with his statement that "... the Eye of Mordor ... has been drawn to Iraq". While it's no secret that Senator Santorum and Sauron have been spending some time together lately - the Dark Lord has admitted in my hearing on more than one occasion that he finds Santorum "refreshingly and reassuringly vile" - he seems to have gravely misunderstood the nature of the Lidless Eye.
Part of his confusion may stem from the fact that some of Santorum's knowledge of Sauron is second-hand, drawn from the works of that scribbler Tolkien, a noted apologist for renegade wizard Gandalf the Grey. It was Gandalf who propagated the misconception that the Eye could become "fixed" on one particular subject - the repellent Elvish warren known as Rivendell, if I recall correctly.
In fact, the Eye roves ceaselessly, spying out the plots of Elves and Men and peering into the very marrow of those wretched and misguided individuals who resist the will of Sauron. Oh, it has certainly been drawn to Iraq. Why not, when there is such delightful chaos and cruelty to be observed? But being drawn to one particular place and remaining fixed on it are very different things. Wherever the Eye may roam, It always returns to gaze lovingly on its favorite locations, the places where the darkness in the hearts of men is at its most profound. And this being the case, I can assure the Senator that the Dark One's attention makes regular return visits to Washington D.C. and the United States is seldom far from His thoughts.