October 17, 2006

Can't take my Eye off of you

Senator Rick Santorum (R-ManOnDog) has caused considerable confusion among the veterans of the 2004 Gollum for President campaign with his statement that "... the Eye of Mordor ... has been drawn to Iraq". While it's no secret that Senator Santorum and Sauron have been spending some time together lately - the Dark Lord has admitted in my hearing on more than one occasion that he finds Santorum "refreshingly and reassuringly vile" - he seems to have gravely misunderstood the nature of the Lidless Eye.

Part of his confusion may stem from the fact that some of Santorum's knowledge of Sauron is second-hand, drawn from the works of that scribbler Tolkien, a noted apologist for renegade wizard Gandalf the Grey. It was Gandalf who propagated the misconception that the Eye could become "fixed" on one particular subject - the repellent Elvish warren known as Rivendell, if I recall correctly.

In fact, the Eye roves ceaselessly, spying out the plots of Elves and Men and peering into the very marrow of those wretched and misguided individuals who resist the will of Sauron. Oh, it has certainly been drawn to Iraq. Why not, when there is such delightful chaos and cruelty to be observed? But being drawn to one particular place and remaining fixed on it are very different things. Wherever the Eye may roam, It always returns to gaze lovingly on its favorite locations, the places where the darkness in the hearts of men is at its most profound. And this being the case, I can assure the Senator that the Dark One's attention makes regular return visits to Washington D.C. and the United States is seldom far from His thoughts.

Posted by grima at 08:06 PM

July 10, 2006

Sssspamm ....

"Ssspamm ... ssspamm ... we hates it forever, preciouss ..."

It has been a long two years, and not just for the rest of the world. Here at Campaign Central, we have felt the passage of time, as fat-bodied spiders spin their webs among the red, white and blue bunting of the War Room and the rank scent of orcish body odor slowly gives way to the more muted scent of mold and decay. The candidate, when I saw him recently, appears to have aged the least of all of us. Perhaps he is a little paler, a little thinner, his few remaining strands of hair a little more lank, but the feverish glint of madness still burns brightly in his unhealthy eyes, just as it did in the glorious days of Fall 2004. I am almost tempted ... but no, we cannot go back there. We tried, we gave our all, but the glorious experiment failed, undermined by an evil more potent even than Sauron's.

In a moment of idle curiosity, I recently returned to the Campaign Computer Room. In one corner, a vast dust-covered mass stirred faintly and from time to time, a vast snoring noise rattled the CD cases on the shelves. Apparently the Web Troll is still with us. I powered on one of the PCs, dislodging a small family of rats that had apparently made a nest on the motherboard and as the unearthly glow of the screen cast its sinister light on the fetid walls of the room, I made a shocking discovery.

Certain ... individuals ... have been abusing our donation form. I am not greatly concerned by the person who wrote "You stink, and elves are the best ... go Elrond!". We have our own ways of dealing with elvish sympathizers, and deal with them we shall, president or not. One night the fell blades of our orc legions will gleam dull with elvish blood in Rivendell and Lothlorien and all the other elvish pestholes. One day very soon. We have plans, my friend, plans.

But it appears that our donation form has attracted the attention of other slinking, foul creatures of the nether depths, who have dared to attempt to pollute our web site with their sordid sales pitches. In short, we have been comment-spammed.

To say that I am outraged barely begins to describe it. For any being to attempt to divert monies from the Gollum campaign to their own filthy pockets is heinous enough. But to try to use our own resources to spread their message? Unpardonable! The orc legions will be rallied, and there will be blood. Copious quantities of blood.

And what are these base merchants peddling? 'Tramadol'? Do they seriously believe that any of our readers need pain-relief medication? Pain is good, especially when we inflict it. Pain is the destiny of all those not fortunate enough to be among the chosen few selected to rule the Dark Empire to come. When the braziers burn beside the racks and wheels in the dungeons of the Barad-Dur, and the orc whips sing their sweet song on naked flesh, tramadol will be of little assistance, I assure you.

'Electric scooters'? Our candidate lives in a damp cave in the bowels of the Misty Mountains. An 'electric scooter' is not precisely the ideal vehicle for such conditions. Take your vehicle, and be gone.

An advertisement for 'World of Warcraft gold' appears a little more promising. We are great believers in gold. However, closer investigation reveals this gold to be insubstantial and imaginary. Fairy gold, in short, another typical elvish trick. To the dungeons with them too.

The others are largely incomprehensible to me. They appear to have been submitted by individuals from the distant island of Nippon, and are expressed in the bestial argot of the Easterners, transcribed in their own savage and uncouth runic script. There are however enough of them to make clear that a visit to those nighted lands is definitely in order. A little orcish rape and pillage should curb their eagerness to foul the weblogs of others.

Time is a-wasting, and I have plans to brew. When the red blades fall in the night of Tokyo, you will understand and the world will learn what it means to post comment-spam to the Gollum campaign website. As the candidate has said to me many times, spam, spam, we hates it forever. We have been patient too long, and it is time for a reckoning.

Posted by grima at 08:02 AM

September 06, 2005

Better late than never

Great days indeed. The web troll has just stumbled into my office, its piggy little eyes glowing with a mixture of pride and imbecilic malice, and announced that it has fixed the polling mechanism on the web site. Never mind that the election was more than ten months ago. Never mind that our legal challenges have gone nowhere (we're not quite sure what happened, but our latest theory is that the orc who was supposed to file the papers took a wrong turning in a gated community outside Santa Barbara and was shot to death by a posse of trigger-happy homeowners). Never mind that in the interval the thirty-fifth largest city in the country has turned into something that looks like Isengard after an ent strike, the situation in Iraq has gone from unspeakably awful to completely hellish, and Congress has rubber-stamped a succession of laws so heinously evil and anti-democratic that even Sauron is shaking his head in disbelief. The web troll has fixed the polling mechanism, and we must all give thanks and be joyful.

Having been informed of the good news, I seized one of the heavier maces from the trophy case above my desk and chased the troll from the room before its breath could peel any more paint from the walls, then slammed the oaken door as hard as I could and did a private little victory dance. Loath though I am to give the sluggish creature any credit, I must admit that I am pleased that the poll is working. A modern, scientifically-run campaign like ours certainly needs modern, scientific tools to quantify quantifiables, measure measurables, and offer an unimpeachable rebuttal to those small-minded critics who have alleged that our candidate lacked popular appeal.

To ensure the accuracy of the results, I immediately logged on and entered a few hundred votes for Gollum. Democracy is all very well, but sometimes it's necessary for a trained political scientist to interpret the will of the people. But my mouse finger is tired now, so I leave it up to you to enter the remaining data that will confirm our historic victory. Vote early, vote often, and above all, vote Gollum.

Posted by grima at 09:43 PM

May 06, 2005

Interest remains high

In these dark days of the continuing Bush presidency - a presidency that was, I need hardly remind you, ruthlessly stolen from the rightful victor, namely candidate Gollum, by a series of heinous subterfuges - it is difficult to find reasons to remain optimistic. Nevertheless, it is reassuring to see that references to our candidate continue to appear in the popular culture. The spark is not dead. With your help, we can prevail in 2008. Assuming the incumbent hasn't declared himself president for life or launched an all-out war on Alpha Centauri by then, of course.

Posted by grima at 12:56 PM

November 03, 2004

No concession

Kerry's sudden concession has taken us all by surprise here at campaign headquarters. One moment he was promising to "count every vote", the next moment he's meekly telephoning Bush to capitulate. The word in the sewer is that Cheney, worried by the possibility that a recount might actually deliver Ohio to the Democrats, threatened to give Fox News the photographs from Kerry's "Skull and Bones" initiation. Not surprisingly, the Big Guy caved.

Luckily, our own candidate is of sterner stuff. When I called him to let him know of Kerry's decision, his first instinct was to continue the fight. Although it took me some time to actually get through to Gollum. I ended up arguing for at least a quarter of an hour with that half-wit Smeagol, who kept insisting that we should call Bush to concede because "... if we doesn't, maybe nice Mr Bush doesn't like us any more. Maybe he thinks we're a bad loser."

I explained to him that with flagrant, serious irregularities in the way that the election was conducted, there could be no question of our losing yet. Our observers have reported many instances of our orc supporters being turned away from polling stations and not even allowed to fill in provisional ballots. We intend to fight this one tooth and claw. I've put together a press release and got the web troll to put it up.

The election may be over, but the battle has just begun.

Posted by grima at 12:45 PM

Thanks to our cherished minions voters

We at the Gollum Campaign would like to extend a heartfelt "Thank you" and a cold, moist handshake to all those who favoured us with their support at the polls today. We treasure each and every one of you, and will ensure that you are not among those unfortunates who may feel our displeasure during the crucial period of adjustment which will begin the Gollum presidency.

Meanwhile, should either of the two mainstream parties prevail, all is by no means lost. We are confident that the Orc species will retain its present control of the House and the Senate, and the Nazgûl lobby will make its voice heard in the highest circles (above the Capitol and around the Washington Monument, mostly.)

Remember, if you or a friend or family member voted for Ralph Nader, send us their name and address so we can personally deliver their VIP invitation to the exclusive post-election Orc barbecue. Campaigning is hungry work, as we at the Gollum Campaign know all too well.

Once again, our gratitude to our supporters; we know your thoughts are with us through the long night to come.

Yours sincerely,

Gríma Galmodsson (hight Wormtongue)
Campaign Manager
Gollum for a Better America My Precioussssssss

Posted by grima at 12:01 AM

November 01, 2004


Very tired. Wants to resst, yess we does, Precious, but Grima won't let us. Horrid Grima. Says we musst keep campaigning. Shaking horrid human handses and kissing babyses. Nasty babyses. One of them tried to bite us, yes it did.

Grima says today is the lasst day. Tomorrow iss election, and we will be president. Voterses will vote for us and then we can rest. Sméagol says it isn't true, presidentses must work even harder, terribly hard, no time for eating delicious fisshes. Grima says Sméagol is wrong. He says President Bush iss always on vacations, on his ranchses. When we are president, we will be like Mr Bush. We will have a ranch, and they will bring us fish every day, three times a day, fresh from the sea.

Grima has lots of planses for when we are president, but we have planses too. First thing we does, we changes the Pledge of Allegiance. One Nation under Gollum, yesss. Then we sends the army and the navy to look for the Precious. Most important. And we eats fishes. Mustn't forget about the fisshes.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Vote Gollum, nice voterses.

Posted by gollum at 10:36 PM

July 20, 2004

Yessss, vote for ussssss!

And then after they elects ussss... maybe we keeps fisssssh for ourselfs. We'll see, won't we, precious?

Posted by gollum at 02:21 AM

Nice voters! If you promises to vote for Sméagol, I will promise to be very very good. Sméagol will get you nice jobses, and lovely homes and schoolses and lots of fisssssh. I personally guarantees to bring a nice fresh fisssh to every American who wants one, if only you gives me nice voteses. Vote for nice Sméagol!
Posted by smeagol at 01:52 AM

You haven't got any voters.
Posted by gollum at 01:02 AM