11/03/2004 - Gollum campaign will "count every vote"

With the 2004 US Presidential Election ostensibly decided in favor of the incumbent, the Gollum for a Better America My Precious campaign has reiterated its determination to make sure that every vote is counted. Campaign manager Grima "Wormtongue" Galmodson spoke this morning of the campaign's continuing commitment to ensure that the real wishes of the electorate are heard. "In any precinct where there is a possibility that votes for Gollum may have gone uncounted, we shall take all necessary steps. Whether that involves recounts, legal challenges, or simply checking behind the sofa for missing absentee ballots, we'll do what we have to do to ensure that our supporters are fairly represented."

The campaign has also expressed serious concern about the possible disenfranchisement of orc voters, who tend to vote overwhelmingly for whichever candidate has been endorsed by their master, Sauron of Mordor. "Polling places are open mainly during daylight hours." said Galmodson. "I don't need to remind you how much orcs dislike daylight. We have reason to believe that many of our supporters may have failed to cast their votes because they were unable to overcome their instinctive fear of the sun."

Orcs may also have been wrongly removed from voter rolls or turned away from polling places by election officials based on state laws that ban convicted felons from voting. "The key word here is 'convictions'." stressed Galmodson. "It's true that any orc who hasn't racked up at least a dozen felonies by the time he reaches voting age is likely to be viewed as a sissy by his peers. But unless they've actually been convicted, I don't see that they can legally be prevented from voting. It's simply unconstitutional to assume that a citizen shouldn't be allowed to vote merely because they're bow-legged, hairy and snaggle-toothed, communicate in guttural snarls and look as if they have breath that could peel the paint off the side of a supertanker. Applying that standard, you could end up turning away Jack Black or Harvey Keitel. Or John Ashcroft, come to that."

The widespread adoption of electronic voting machines has also raised concerns. "Our constituency associates machines with one thing only." explained Galmodson. "Instruments of torture. That being the case, it's a brave orc that will willingly get into a curtained booth with one." Moreover, most of the machines deployed are designed for use primarily by humans. "Orcs are, as someone once put it, 'nasty, brutish and short'. Above all, short. It's hard to exercise your democratic rights when you can't reach the buttons. And those new touch-screens may work fine for humans, but they're a very different matter for those of us whose hands are gnarled claws."

Reached at his residence in a dank lightless pool somewhere beneath the Rocky Mountains, the candidate confirmed that he stood behind the decision to continue the fight. "We doesn't give up," he said, "unlike ssome peoples. Must count all voteses. Only that way is fair, yess. Maybe when we recounts the voteses, we finds Gollum is president after all."

The campaign also denied unequivocally that key backers had split from the campaign during the last few days and issued belated endorsements of President Bush. "A victory for Bush is, of course, a victory for evil," Grima Galmodson admitted, "so I can't say that Sauron would be displeased with that result. Nevertheless, when I stood before the Lidless Fiery Eye just a few hours ago, He repeated that Gollum remained his favored candidate. He also assured me that all the resources of Barad-Dur remain at our disposal and that he would be making available many of the myriads of lawyers in his service to support our calls for a comprehensive recount."