The Candidate

The story of Gollum is a story of someone who's made their way up, not from the streets but in fact from below them. Like the hero of some pallid, squalid, subterranean Horatio Alger story, Gollum has valiantly made his way up the social and down the moral ladder, from cave-dwelling slimy creature to career politician.

Having spent many years aiming to achieve ultimate power through treachery and guile, Gollum has put the past firmly behind him and is now committed to reaching his goal via the democratic process. Join us, gentle minion-- er, voter. Join us in fulfilling our dream of an America where every citizen has access to gainful employment in the slag-pits of Mordor and all the fish they can catch! Vote Gollum. Thanks for listening.