Key Issues

Your handy guide to the candidate's position on key issues of concern to every American.

Gollum firmly believes in equal rights for every citizen, irrespective of their age, sex, race, sexual orientation or religion. If elected, Gollum would work tirelessly to protect the civil rights of men, elves, orcs, hobbits, and noisome pallid slinking creatures of uncertain origins. Particularly the latter.

A candidate who's not afraid to get tough on crime and even tougher on criminals, Gollum has long promoted tougher laws and mandatory sentencing for certain crimes, including the theft of personal jewelry items and cheating in riddle games. Gollum is believed to be pro-death penalty, advocating "squeezing" in place of other methods of execution currently in use.

Gollum is a believer in the importance of gold as the basis for any healthy economy, in particular gold that has been shaped into small decorative items of inestimable magical power.

Gollum has earned praise from environmentalists and industry alike for his environmental position. Deeply committed to finding the alternative energy source known only as 'the Precious' (whose exact nature is currently known only to the candidate), Gollum has also stressed the importance of preserving America's fish stocks. And few candidates are more keenly aware of global warming and the effects of ozone depletion. As Gollum never ceases to remind America's young people, "the Yellow Face - it burns us", so skin cancer awareness programs are likely to be a central plank in the candidate's health and ecology policy.

Gollum favors a combination of a robust defence and sudden, terrifying stealthy assaults on anyone opposed to the United States. Through his associates, he indirectly commands the loyalty of numberless legions of savage orcs, who will provide an important boost to the offensive capabilities of the US military, and may help to lessen current burdens on regular and reserve units in Iraq and Afghanistan.

As Gollum is probably around four hundred years old, he is particularly sensitive to senior issues. He is expected to overhaul the Medicare system entirely, reducing drug benefits in favor of far-sighted programs designed to ensure that all seniors have access to healthy, nourishing fish.