03/15/2004 - Press Conference

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I give you the next president of the United States, Gollum!

Ssssss. We thanks nice Grima. Now, questionses?

Mr. Gollum, given your poor showing in the Super Tuesday primaries, will you be dropping out of the race for the nomination?

No precious! No we won't. After all, who knows if nice Mr. Kerry might not have a terrible accident with a giant spider? Then, precious, we're there to ...

One moment, please. (inaudible)

It didn't work? Ssssss. So ... if nasssssty Democratses doesn't want us, then we runs as an independent. Yes precious.

Mr. Gollum, senior Democrats have expressed concern over your aggressive military policy involving legions of Orcs. How do you defend this position?

Well, we feels strongly about national security, doesn't we, precious? And nice voterses, they likes it too. Here's what: anyone what doesn't like usss, we sends the Orcs to ... er ... have a talk with them. But once we has the Precious, then everyone will be our friends, yes! And they'll all be nice to ussssss. So no more fighting, see?

Mr. Gollum, what is your response to Ralph Nader's candidacy?

Ralph Nader? When we finds it, we squeezes it to death and eats it. Next question?

Mr. Gollum, you haven't yet voiced an opinion on the issue of same-sex marriage. Don't you think that two people who love each other and have faced all life's troubles together ought to be able to ... Mr. Gollum, are you all right?

(indistinctly) Nassssty hobbitses! ...

Please don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlement, the candidate often spends time in a fetal crouch. It's, uh, a yoga posture. For relaxation.

... broke poor Sméagol's heart, they did ...

In any case, it is well known that the candidate has equal loathing for all expressions of human affection. Or Elven or Hobbitish affection, come to that. And Dwarves ... don't get me started. Once in the White House, he has pledged to support a Constitutional amendment making marriage unlawful between anyone of any gender.

Mr Gollum, do you have an opinion on George W. Bush's recent controversial use of the tragic events of September 11th, 2000, in a political advertisement?

... Sssome things disgust even me.

And we at the Gollum campaign are not easily disgusted, I assure you. Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes today's press conference. Thank you all for coming.