08/01/2004 - Gollum slams 'Fellowship Veterans for Truth'

Gollum, candidate for the "Gollum for A Better America My Precioussss Campaign", slammed recent attacks against his reputation made by a group calling themselves the Fellowship Veterans for Truth. In an angry two-hour speech punctuated by hissing and snarling, the candidate spoke out bitterly against what he saw as baseless attempts to tarnish his reputation in the run-up to the election.

At the heart of the controversy is a lengthy work entitled "The Lord of the Rings", which portrays the candidate and other key figures from the Gollum campaign in an extremely unfavorable light. Ostensibly written by an English author, John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, the book is widely believed to be the work of hobbit activists Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee, with possible input from rogue wizard Gandalf the Grey.

The Gollum campaign is heartfelt in its condemnation of this crude attempt to influence the outcome of the election by the repetition of what campaign manager Grima "Wormtongue" Galmodson described as "groundless slurs and innuendoes". Mr Galmodson also pointed to the work's poor fact-checking as further evidence that it can not be taken seriously. "Close to the end of the book," he said, "our candidate is described falling into the heart of a gigantic volcano. I don't need to point out that such an incident would surely be fatal even to the most robust individual. The fact that Mr Gollum is alive and well today clearly gives the lie to this account." He added "This is Gollum we're talking about, folks, not Darth Vader."

While disputing the book's account of events in almost every significant respect, the candidate did acknowledge that it contained grains of truth. In particular, he argued that the description given of the famous "Riddle Game" incident largely supports his own recollections of the event, clearly demonstrating that Mr Bilbo Baggins displayed definite bad faith and may even have been guilty of actual crimes including trespass and larceny. The statute of limitations on jewellery theft having expired, a criminal action against Mr Baggins seems unlikely, but Mr Gollum is currently considering whether to bring an action in civil court.

Despite the rebuttals from the Gollum campaign, the controversial book continues to sell well. New fuel was apparently added to the fire by the release of a cycle of films purporting to portray the same events described in the book. Initial plans to release a single film under the title "Fahrenheit 1421" were apparently shelved when director Peter Jackson realised that he had enough material for three complete feature-length films. Campaign manager Galmodson strongly criticised the fact that these films have been widely shown and are even available on DVD. "Gollum is a serious political candidate," he said, "but we just can't compete with this kind of hugely-funded character assassination. By our estimates, our opponents spent millions on making this cinematic smear campaign and getting it out there. But if voters think they're getting the real story from this thing, they better think again. As far as we're concerned, this is just fantasy. We're going to laugh it off, and keep moving on."

The group calling themselves the Fellowship Veterans for Truth could not be reached for comment at press time.