01/16/2004 - Gollum announces candidacy
A late-breaking candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, identified only as "Gollum", today declared himself in the running for the Democratic nomination for the Presidency.
Blinking in the glare of the TV spotlights, Mr. Gollum spoke of the need to take back the White House. "It's ours, it is, and we WANTS it," he declared to tumultuous applause from his supporters.
Asked about his qualifications, Mr Gollum revealed an impressive resume of treachery, grasping greed and murder allegations. When pressed on his political inexperience, there was a moment's pause before he countered "Yesss, but soon we'll be the master, eh precious?"
Gollum's opponents are already drawing attention to the fact that his campaign funding comes almost entirely from a reclusive magnate known only as "Sauron of Mordor." "Because of new campaign finance legislation, most of his donations come from individual orcs giving, like, $20," said a spokesman for the Kerry campaign. "But since the armies of Mordor are legion, Mr Gollum has now amassed close to $2.5 billion, mostly in Dwarf gold."
Press officer of the Gollum campaign Mr. Grima Wormtongue immediately countered by reminding the press that many prominent Congressional figures had also received contributions from the Mordor CEO, as had the Bush campaign. Mr Bush himself is on first-name terms with the shadowy figure, referring to him as "Saurie boy."
At the time of today's announcement, Gollum was attracting large numbers of civil libertarian voters, drawn by his "We doesn't care as long as we gets the Precious" stance on most key issues. Environmentalists were also drawn to Gollum's advocacy of alternative power sources. "We're unclear on what exactly "My Precious" is, but apparently it could control most of the world's power and doesn't emit greenhouse gases, which is nice," said a spokesman for the Sierra Club.
Sources close to the Gollum campaign say that the candidate is likely to name his alternate personality, Smeagol, as his running mate. He is due to debate against himself on CNN later this month.