02/04/2004 - Gollum does well in primaries

This just in: the Gollum for A Better America My Precioussss campaign has been celebrating a better-than-expected showing in Tuesday's primaries.

The candidate is polling remarkably high among Southern conservative voters, who have responded positively to the candidate's platform of racial hatred against all groups except his own species, whatever that is. Dwarf, Elf and Hobbit anti-discrimination bodies have protested some of the language used in previous campaign speeches. "I know that a lot of hobbits feel hurt over Mr Gollum's pledge that, were he elected, he would eat any of us that came within reach," said a Mr. P. Took, chairman of the Hobbit action group Feet.com. Elven spokespersons, meanwhile, conceded reluctantly that the candidate is at least marginally less evil than George W. Bush.

Gollum's main rival in the South, Sen. Edwards, said today that he hoped the candidate would listen to the voice of Americans in need, as well as to that of his slightly less nasty alter ego, Smeagol. Democratic front-runner John Kerry was unavailable for comment, following reports of an encounter with a giant spider. The Kerry campaign was unable to say whether Senator Kerry had, in fact, been eaten, or was merely paralysed and being stored for later consumption.