02/15/2004 - Grima Wormtongue

Glad you could join us, Mr. Wormtongue. Unusual name, isn't it?

It's Grima Galmodson actually. "Wormtongue" was a sobriquet given me by certain envious individuals when it became clear I had a gift for PR. But, you know, with the help of my therapist I've made peace with it. I actually kind of like it now. Feels like me, y'know?

Uh, yeah. So can you give us the inside scoop on the Gollum campaign? What's he like to work for?

As a candidate, I would say he's a campaign worker's dream. Always on-message, no personal scandals, always focused on the issues. Quite unlike some people I've worked for.

... Yes?

Well, naming no names, sometimes a candidate or even an incumbent will succumb to the pressures of campaigning. It's not an easy job to be constantly under scrutiny, you know, and if you hear about a personal attack or low polling figures, say, or an invasion by orcs... it can really take its toll psychologically. Some people get discouraged too easily, burn out, and next thing you know you've got orcs all over the place. Pillaging, eating people ...

But you say Gollum isn't like that?

Absolutely not, and it's one of the things that I personally admire most about him. Nothing discourages him, nothing knocks him off-message. He's very dedicated in his quest for ultimate power -- er, his dream of a better America. A dream we all hope will soon be shared by millions.

So how are this week's polls?

Well, Gollum appears to be the frontrunner in several key states. He's doing very well in Florida right now, thanks to his recent personal appearances there.

Knocking on doors and kissing babies?

Crawling around the Everglades catching fish with his teeth, actually. But the numbers show that environmental groups and, crucially, the fishing industry have responded positively to this approach. I think Americans want a candidate who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty. As well as the rest of him.

You're also doing well among that traditionally conservative demographic, the military voters. Any comment on that?

I think Gollum is very strong on national security. His plan to send legions of orcs to subdue, and I quote, "Anyone what doesn't like ussss, my precioussss," has gone over well with traditional Republican voters. I've even heard endorsements-- off the record, of course-- from inside the Pentagon. And of course, what with John Kerry's unfortunate disappearance last week in connection with a giant spider, much of the military vote has shifted to Gollum.

Actually, rumors are circulating on the Internet that Kerry survived and was seen escaping from Mordor yesterday, possibly thanks to a secret device given to him, allegedly, by Elf lobbyists.

Well. (pause) I've enjoyed our little chat. Many thanks to you and to our readers, and remember: Vote Gollum!

Grima Wormtongue, thank you very much.